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Monday, May 11, 2015

A MUCH NEEDED BREAK AND A BIT OF RAMBLE TO WELCOME SUMMER


The last week there have been lots of little mini breaks. A few stretching breaks, "The Mindy Project" breaks, cookie breaks, nap breaks, outside breaks, all sorts of breaks. But today I took my last final so now I get a bit of an extended break. A month before I begin my summer classes. Even though I have years left of school (ahhhh), I'm proud of myself. I made it through my first semester back. I'm back. I feel more and more like myself lately. I'm changing, slowly. I'm becoming the person I always knew I could be.

Life is full of expectations. You have to go to school, get perfect grades, look perfect at all times, work out, find a boy, make him fall in love with you, get married, have babies, all while continuing to look like you have it all together. The pressures of the world, they're a lot. And I don't like them. A lot of the pressure is internal. I'm so guilty of that. It's something I struggle with every day. The people that love you, they just want you to be happy. That's it. But I have this fear of disappointing people. But most of all, I don't want to disappoint myself. 

It's hard sometimes. I often feel like I'm alone in the world. And in a lot of ways, that's true. I don't have a person. I have people. People that I love a lot and that love me just as much. But at the same time, there is no one who really knows everything about me. Who knows what goes on daily in my head, in my heart, in my soul. One day, I'll find a person. A person who gets me. I won't have to explain why I am the way I am, or pretend in any way. I can just be me. And that will be enough. It will always be enough. 

For now, it's just me, trying to take on this world. I find inspiration in the silliest things. In beautiful homes, in books, in women: Mindy Kaling, Meredith Grey, Joan Didion, Amy Poehler. In women who inspire me daily. In mothers, and wives, and random strangers.

The little things in life that I get to do that can make me so happy: find that perfect sunny spot in the library, getting an A on a test, cooking, cleaning, walking outside, flossing, cudding with my dog. These are things that are just for me. 

I don't really know what the point of this post was but I was inspired to write it and wanted to share it. I want to share my story with others, in the hope that it will help someone, somewhere. I love reading others stories. While I love novels, my favorite books are memoirs, women I turn to again and again, who inspire me to be better. A few years ago, I began reading blogs, and the women who write them became my friends, even though I have never met them. Some of those women, I've drifted away from, some have let me down, but all helped me discover a strength in myself that I didn't know I had. I hope to share more of my stories here, the good and the bad, because life wouldn't be life without the good and the bad. 

Plus all the other things that make me happy: clothes, plants, cooking, reading, all those things I have published up until then. Because the things I love, even if they are sometimes silly, they make my life worth living. 

2 comments :

  1. I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to disappoint others and definitely not yourself. For me, it's been a process of recognizing no one has it all put together, and seeing the beauty in that. Love your writing, by the way :)

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  2. Thanks girl, and thanks for always reading! It's nice to feel like there's a random person out there who understands.

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