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Friday, August 22, 2014

SOME DAYS JUST GET ME


This past week has been emotional, and long, and so many other words that I can't even form. Sometimes I can't even put into words, or feelings really, what is happening. I wonder about our bodies. How do they keep going? Every night, I have trouble falling asleep but every morning, as the sun starts to stream into my window, bringing with it a new day, I finally feel safe in my cocoon. 

This life is a funny thing. With it can come so much joy or so much pain, even in the same day. Life hasn't been great these past few years. Some have it much, much worse I know. But that doesn't negate my struggles or hard times. They are real and they are there and they are raw, open wounds. 

Today I was asked truly, how was I doing? It has been so, so long since someone has actually asked me how me, Marin, how am I doing? What am I feeling? Am I navigating through this thing called life okay and do I need any help? It's like I was drowning and was thrown a life line, just as I needed it, just as I thought I would break. No, no, I am not alright. But I'm trying. Trying every day to be the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. And then I cried at work at 9:17 in the morning. It was that kind of day. Just that hug from a person that truly cared, that had and always will be someone I consider family, a lighthouse in the storm, meant more than he will ever know.

I took a trip to the bathroom on our floor that no one uses and cried for a bit, then got myself together and got through the rest of the day. Because really, that's all we can do right? Put ourself together and get through the day.

I have a constant stream of worries running through my head. Worries about myself, my family, and my future. Even just seeing someone at the grocery store or the gas station or the bank that seems sad breaks my heart completely. Because I know what that feels like, to be lonely and sad.

I know, I hope, I pray daily that things will be better. "This too shall pass" has been a never ending refrain in my life, in my head. This blog, this space, is just a small sliver of life. The simple things are sometimes all that can get me through the day. The thought of my favorite movie, dancing in my towel after a shower to my favorite song, a new recipe, flowers, a candle. While I'm trying to tell my story, some of it isn't mine to tell. If you're following along and reading, thank you. Thank you for caring what I have to say. It means the world. And if you're struggling, I hope reading about my struggle will help yours in some way.

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